Why Most Men Won’t Open Up
There is obviously still the idea out there that men should keep their emotions to themselves, be tough, never open up about anything. I had a brief encounter with a guy like that on Twitter the other day and it was fascinating, and sad. I wasn’t raised like that. I do a lot of ‘man’ things, I have no problem stepping up to defend my family and friends, I drink bourbon, I smoke cigars and love my 4x4. I also like sappy movies, and when a song reminds me of my mother who passed a couple years ago, I have no trouble shedding a tear. I’ve also learned that there’s a lot of places, groups, and topics where it’s just easier to bottle up any emotion. It’s less stressful.
Take the recent Gillette ad that everyone’s talking about. A lot of people were upset by this. A lot of people have their own ideas on why. For context here’s what I thought about it, as a customer of theirs. The ad description begins with “Bullying. Harassment. Is this the best a man can get?” You start an argument that way when you’re about to admonish people for something. Implying this is the default behavior for the people you’re about to talk to. Who is Gillette talking to? It’s an advertisement, they’re talking to current customers (keep buying our product), and potential customers (please come buy our product). Then you know the drill, the ad shows a bunch of bad situations and guys ignoring them, then the good guys step in and fix it. The message? We have to do better. We? We, who? Who isn’t doing enough? Well, the target of their commercial, I guess.
The thing is, like everything else in this medium interpretation is subjective. Not everyone is going to see the commercial that way. To me it says that bullying and harassment is the default mode of masculinity and we, me included, we’re not doing enough to fix it. So, either I’m doing the bad stuff, or I’m standing by and letting it happen. Sure, I don’t know anyone that acts like that, and I don’t see anything like that in my day to day life, but I’m not doing enough. Guess I should be dressing up like a giant bat and roaming the city breaking up fights and admonishing men for whistling at women? You may not have seen the commercial that way, but why is my interpretation of it invalid? Anyway, a lot of men, and women, have expressed their feelings about this commercial. The responses are telling, and unfortunately not uncommon. Any time a man speaks out about how something makes them feel, unless they say the ‘right’ thing about their feelings we see a common sort of trend.
Archive: http://archive.fo/uQFrS
When we do speak out the responses usually start off with diminishing language involving tears, fragility, and fear. It makes me wonder, do the people that want men to express themselves really want that? It’s a mixed message when we see how “Man up” is a bad phrase, but when we try to get past that we’re called fragile, or get hit with a Male Tears meme. Then Hazel here caps it off with some gaslighting. If I have an issue with this ad, I must be part of the problem, right? That sure makes me want to express how I feel next time…
Archive: http://archive.fo/a16eH
Full blown gaslighting often follows the emotional shaming. Again, according to Tom if you have anything negative to say about this ad you must be part of the problem. What’s the message here? Men should open up, but only if our feelings are approved by Hazel and Tom, otherwise we should keep them bottled up? It’s absolutely how it feels. And these are just two examples. Look through Twitter or Facebook for a few minutes and you’ll see this common trend over and over.
I think people are so keen on fixing us guys that they completely ignore the constant negative representation of men in the media. You aren’t going to get men to open up if every time they do, they’re hit with a barrage of messages that amount to, “sit down and shut up.” It’s just easier not to. I grew up with so many bad examples of men on TV, but good ones too. Unfortunately, it seemed like the good ones eventually went away to be replaced by men who are stupid, goofy, lazy, cheating jerks. There’s still some good ones out there, good father figures, mentors, and protectors to view as positive representation. It’s no wonder that some people think the default male is a negative force. We’re inundated with articles about it. But even when we buck that expectation. When we open up and express how we feel. When we call someone out for generalizing men, or talk about how these negative stereotypes impact our own views we’re shouted down or accused of being part of the problem.
Until we stop doing that you’re going to have a lot of men like me that just won’t bother. Sure, I believe it’s unhealthy to hold it all in but what’s worse? The stress of just keeping it to myself, or the stress of being jumped on for speaking out? When we are hit with a constant barrage of how awful we are, and aren’t allowed to say anything about it what’s my incentive to not just put my head down and take it? What I’ve found is the people vocal about how men should open up, don’t really mean it. The ones who do mean it? They’re just there for you. My wife never tells me my feelings are invalid, she’s just there. My friends, they get it and they’re supportive. To the rest though, I’ll just keep it to myself. I’ll “Man up”, and keep my “Fragility” locked away so that no one has to be subjected to my “Male tears.”
